So Long and Goodnight
by Xelaric the Nobody
Summary: Future AU. Now-single-parent Rin couldn't prevent her death. He could only grieve and decide whether he wanted to keep walking amongst the living, or join her in the Garden of Amahara. Song-fic oneshot based off of Helena by My Chemical Romance. Rated T for suicidal thoughts.


**A/N: So, I had this idea of a (*coughcough*_veryangsty_*coughcough*) oneshot a little while ago, while listening to "Helena" by My Chemical Romance. I decided to make it into a Fanfiction, because why not? I thank you ahead of time for reading. :)**

**Warnings: Includes suicidal thoughts/suicide attempt, some minor cursing, slight OOCness, and Dark!Rin**

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Blue Exorcist, or any of its characters; they rightfully belong to Kazue Kato. I also do not own the song "Helena"; it rightfully belongs to My Chemical Romance. The only thing I own are my OCs Chisana and Kazuki.**_

* * *

"Rin, I need you to calm down."

The world seemed to stop. The rain that had been falling almost froze mid-fall. The breeze that had been buffeting the young man's hair had slowed to a stop. His hand that was holding his cell phone shook violently, but Rin tried to suppress it. He had already dropped his umbrella from pure shock of the news, leaving him an open target to the cold rain that fell once more.

"Yukio, I dare you to say that again," Rin's voice shook as he whispered into the phone. "You better not be pulling crap with me, because this isn't funny; it's sick and twisted."

A short silence inserted itself into their conversation. Rin's younger twin brother inhaled on the other end of the line and heaved a sigh. "Rin, I wouldn't ever joke about this, and you know it. I'm sorry, but Shiemi...she's gone, Rin. It was a hit and run. She wasn't looking where she was going. The car hit her and just left. I'm so sorry, Rin. I know this is hard but—"

The navy-haired young man started to chuckle, cutting off his younger brother. It wasn't an amused or psychotic chuckle; it was hollow and full of regret. Rin ceased his fake laughter and gripped his phone even more tightly. "Yukio, tell me..." He started to whisper, but his voice grew to a shout as he continued. "Tell me that this is a lie!"

"I wouldn't ever lie to you, not about something like this," Yukio sighed. Rin could just picture his brother's face; his blue-green eyes full of empathy. Rin didn't want his empathy. He wanted Shiemi. Rin's breathing came and went in short, rattling gasps of air. Warm tears blurred his vision and trailed down his face. He bowed his head so that his chin was touching his chest. He nearly forgot that he was still on a call with Yukio. A new thought crossed his mind.

"W-where are my kids?" The distraught young man asked. "Yukio, where are they? Do they know anything yet?"

"They're with us, Rin," Yukio started calmly, trying to soothe his heartbroken brother. "Shura is keeping an eye on them. I didn't tell them anything yet; I wasn't sure how to." His younger twin brother paused for a moment. "I arranged a wake for her. It's this weekend, at the monastery. She'll rest next to Father Fujimoto, Rin."

Without responding, Rin ended the call. His cobalt blue eyes stared blankly in front of him. So that was it? Shiemi—his best friend, his high school sweetheart, his wife—gone, just like that? And_ how_ on God's Earth was he supposed to tell his two beautiful children that their mother was just gone? They were much too young to carry the burden of the knowledge of death. Rin solemnly decided that he would just have to make up some story that wouldn't upset his little six and three year olds. The rain had soaked his clothes and chilled him to the bone, but it didn't compare to the aching numbness inside his heart and in his mind. The navy-haired young man silently slipped his cell phone into his pocket and made to pick up his fallen umbrella. Rin stumbled on shaky legs and fell to his knees in a puddle of cold rain water. He gripped the sides of his head, his navy blue hair plastered to his neck and forehead. Rin leaned forward and touched his forehead to the cold cement sidewalk. The rain continued to fall on him, but he didn't care or seem to notice. Guttural cries and shouts escaped his throat.

"God, damn it, why didn't you take me instead?!"

* * *

Shiemi lay in her open casket, her platinum blonde, shoulder length hair framing her cherub-looking face. Rin's late wife was dressed in a black kimono with blue roses printed on the sides and sleeves. Her dainty hands lay unmoving against her chest. Shiemi's eyes were closed; an aching reminder to Rin that he would never see the beautiful meadow green eyes ever again.

The now single parent held his three year old daughter in his arm and grasped his six year old son's little hand. Rin couldn't dare to look either of them in the eyes. Instead, his cobalt blue eyes darted around the people grouped just outside the monastery; Izumo stood in front of the casket in Renzo's embrace. Suguro and Konekomaru stood a distance away from the casket. Yukio and Shura stood with them, talking amongst themselves.

Kazuki, Rin's son, tugged at his father's hand and looked up at him. The navy-haired young man flipped his unruly bangs out of his eyes with a jerk of his head and looked down into a reflection of cobalt blue eyes. With Kazuki's free hand, he adjusted his thick-framed glasses and asked, "Daddy, why is everyone sad? Mommy's just sleeping."

Rin bit his lip to keep it from quivering. Still clutching little Chisana—his three year old daughter—Rin slowly crouched down so that he was eye level with his son. He almost didn't want to look at him, because he had the same cherub-like features that his mother donned. Kazuki had the same platinum blonde hair and nearly the same face, but the eyes that stared back at him weren't going to haunt him for the rest of his life.

"Yes, Mommy's sleeping." Rin fought with himself to keep his voice steady. "But everyone's sad because she's going to be asleep forever."

The little boy's eyes widened in curiosity. "Asleep forever?" Rin nodded slightly.

Little Chisana looked at her father in curiosity as well. "Will Mommy wake up?" She asked almost cheerfully.

Rin forced his eyes shut and clenched his jaw. The two siblings looked to their father for an answer. "She won't wake up, Chisana," the navy-haired father responded after finding his voice. It wasn't like he was lying to either one of them; he just hated telling his two young children that they would never see their mother again.

Rin set Chisana down next to her brother, and he told them to go over to Yukio and Shura. Kazuki grasped Chisana's tiny hand in his own and obeyed his father's words. Rin watched to make sure they walked over to them, and then he walked up to the open casket for a final goodbye. Izumo and Renzo glanced at the bereft husband sympathetically as he walked up to the casket. Rin gripped the coffin as he tipped his head downwards to look at his late wife. He couldn't stand it anymore. He fell to his knees and leaned his forehead on the side of the coffin. Hot, salty tears burned in his eyes and raced down Rin's face. He couldn't believe this; he didn't want to believe this. But he just had to accept the fact that his Shiemi was truly gone, never to wake and walk with him on this Earth ever again.

Little pitter-pattering footsteps made the navy-haired young man lifted his head from the coffin to see Chisana standing in front of him. The little bluenette stood on her tip-toes and wiped the tears that streamed down her father's face. The three year old kissed his cheek and asked, "All better?"

Rin scooped her up in his arms and held her in a right embrace. "I love you and your brother more than anything, Chisana," he whispered. "Just promise me that you won't leave me, okay?" Rin still held the little toddler in his arms, but held her out so that he could see her face. Chisana held up a tiny hand, her pinky finger sticking out of her fist. "I pinky promise, Daddy." Rin held out his pinky and locked it with his daughter's. She smiled innocently and hugged her dad.

Yukio, along with Shura and Kazuki, walked over to the two of them. Rin's twin brother gently placed a hand on his shoulder and whispered, "It's time to bury her, Rin." The twenty six year old man looked to his younger brother for a moment, as if to say, "Just one more thing before we do." Yukio nodded and herded Chisana and Kazuki away from their grieving father. Rin looked down at the face he wouldn't ever see in person again. He couldn't help but caress her face lightly. He almost pulled his hand back because her skin was ice cold. Rin gently pulled his hand away from her white-as-snow face and leaned over to plant a light kiss on her forehead. The dark-haired twenty six year old straightened himself up unsteadily, and he turned his back to he coffin. Inhaling shakily, and then exhaling just as shakily, Rin looked to his twin brother. He gave Yukio a nod and reluctantly walked away from the casket.

Yukio, along with Ryuji, closed the casket. Renzo and Konekomaru stood on one side of the casket, while Rin's brother and Ryuji stood on the other. On Yukio's word, the four of them lifted the coffin up to about shoulder height and began waking towards the site. Rin scooped up Kazuki and Chisana, one child in each arm, and started to walk behind the casket that held his beloved Shiemi. Izumo, Shura, and other friends and family to Shiemi trailed behind him. The site for her burial, as Yukio said, was right next to Shiro Fujimoto's grave. Rin had accepted the fact that he had passed on nearly eleven years ago, but with the recent events, Rin's heart ached to see the old man's face one more time.

The four young men proceeded to lower Shiemi's coffin into the freshly dug up ground. Kazuki poked his father's shoulder lightly and pointed to Shiemi's coffin. "Daddy, why are Uncle Yukio, Suguro-san, Konekomaru-san, and Shima-san putting Mommy into the ground? Wouldn't she be more comfortable with fresh air?"

Rin looked to his son and then darted his cobalt blue eyes to his late wife's casket. He swallowed hard before answering Kazuki's questions. "They're putting Mommy in the ground so that no one can bother her in her sleep."

His children watched in silence as Shiemi's mother gently placed a bouquet of white roses on top of the closed casket. She unsteadily shuffled away, sobbing quietly. Before the four young men started to pack the dirt back over the site, family and friends alike said their last goodbyes or, like Shiemi's mother, placed arrangements of flowers on top or around the site. In ones and twos, people started to leave the site, mumbling amongst each other, or just simply walking away in silence. Some came up to Rin and said their apologies and told him comforting words that didn't soothe him at all.

Nearly everybody left. Now it was just Rin, his two children, Yukio, and the other three men that helped carry Shiemi to her final resting place. They started to cover the coffin and flowers with the churned up soil, and Rin let them do so, watching in silence. When the deed was done, Renzo, Ryuji, and Konekomaru glanced Rin's way, gave him the familiar look of sympathy, and left without a word. Chisana and Kazuki waved goodbye to them as they left. Yukio looked as if he wanted to go and talk to his brother, but thought better of it and left in silence as well. The navy-haired man set down his two children gently, and they started over to Yukio. He hadn't left entirely, but was standing quite a ways away from Shiemi's grave. Rin watched them for a moment, then he knelt in front of his late wife's tombstone. It took most of his inner strength to smile weakly.

"I don't know if you can hear me, Shiemi," Rin started, surprised to find his voice somewhat level. "But I know that you're in a much better place; y-you're in the Garden of Amahara now. Now you won't have to worry about finding it anymore. I know how much the Garden means to you. And you can rest in peace, r-right? Because you're in God's Garden."

His smile melted as he heard his own words echo in the empty air. Rin leaned his forehead on the grave stone and tightly gripped the edges with his hands. Tears rolled down his face as he sat in front of her grave.

"I'll visit you," the dark haired man whispered, barely audible to even himself. "I'll come back to see you very soon."

* * *

Rin locked the door behind him as he entered his bedroom. It had been two weeks since her passing, and the single father still couldn't forget about it all. He slid down the door until he was sitting on the floor, cradling his face in his hands. The weight of Shiemi's death was heavier than he could've ever imagined. Yukio and Shura called Rin every few days just to check up on him. Today though, Yukio had decided to come over to check up on him and the kids. Rin's younger brother was watching Kazuki and Chisana as the young man sulked in his room.

Pictures of her were scattered throughout the bedroom. Some sat in frames and others were lying across his dresser. Rin didn't want the picture of her face to fade from his memory, but the pain of seeing her face frozen in youth was painful enough to him. Since the time that Shiemi had been put to rest, he had visited her twice a week, not once with his children though. He didn't want his children to see him in such a weak state.

Yukio had tried to get his mind off of his late wife, but everything he tried didn't seem to work. His younger brother tried to encourage him to take Kazuki and Chisana to the park, but he saw Shiemi in the flowers that grew along the paths. Yukio also suggested trying to bake something, since Rin loved to cook, but the young man would just stand rigidly in the kitchen.

A knock on the door brought Rin out of his thoughts. He brought himself to his feet and opened the door to the aquamarine eyes of his younger brother. Yukio looked as if he was about to say something, but Rin didn't want to hear it. He started to close the door, but Yukio stopped it with his foot. He swung the door open again.

"Rin, this isn't healthy," Yukio started. "You shouldn't be locked up in your room twenty four-seven."

Rin growled. "I can live my life however I want, thank you very much."

His younger brother sighed. "I'm not telling you how to live your life. I'm just saying that locking yourself in your room isn't a good habit. Your kids are looking up to you, Rin. You can't just keep blatantly ignoring them."

Cobalt blue eyes met aquamarine, and Rin drawled on a sigh. As much as he hated to admit it, Yukio was right. Rin leaned against the door frame and looked to his younger brother.

"I'm going to go visit Shiemi again." Her name hitched in his throat, making his voice crack. The young man walked around his younger brother. Yukio thought that maybe visiting Shiemi wouldn't be such a great idea for his brother, but he couldn't stop Rin from doing as he wished. At least he wasn't holed up in his room.

Yukio watched his older brother disappear behind the front door. He heard the engine of Rin's car start up, and then it faded in the distance.

Kazuki tugged on Yukio's sleeve, and he looked down at his nephew. "Where's daddy going?"

The blue-green eyed man ruffled Kazuki's hair lightly. "He went to visit your mother."

* * *

Rin returned home just as the sun was sinking below the horizon. Yukio was about to greet his older brother, but realized that something was extremely off about him. His cobalt eyes looked dull, redundant, and empty, instead of full of sorrow and pain. The ghost of a smile played across his lips, and Yukio was shocked to see that he was smiling at all. Yukio hadn't seen him smile since before Shiemi's burial.

Rin's movements looked artificial, as if someone had programmed him to move in a specific manner at a specific time. Yukio noticed this as his older brother strode across the room to him. Rin sat himself next to Yukio, his barely noticeable smile still intact.

The younger twin quirked an eyebrow at Rin. "Are you feeling alright, Rin?"

"Never felt better," he responded. Rin's voice sounded empty. Yukio didn't like the sound of that. The younger twin but his lip; he felt obliged to say something to his older brother, but he couldn't put anything into words. Rin obviously had been acting out of character lately, but something about his state right then and there told Yukio that something was _extremely_ off about his older brother. The younger twin parted his lips to say something, but Rin cut him off without meaning to.

"Maybe you should get home to Shura. She's probably wondering what you've been doing here for so long," Rin droned monotonously. Yukio clenched his fist, not out of anger, but frustration. This wasn't like Rin to push people away, especially his family. The younger twin didn't want to upset His older brother even more than the recent events had, so he obeyed. Yukio said his goodbyes to his niece and nephew, and then turned to Rin. His cobalt blue eyes seemed fixed and distant. Yukio left without another word.

Yukio returned home in downright confusion. He sat down in one of the kitchen chairs and ran a hand through his dark brown hair. Footsteps drew nearer from behind him, and Yukio looked over his shoulder. Shura leaned in the doorway of the kitchen, her magenta eyes narrowed. Yukio turned to face her, his aquamarine eyes trailing to the floor.

"What's eatin' at ya?" Shura asked as she strode over to the chair opposite her fiancé. "Is Rin gettin' worse?"

Yukio's brow furrowed. "I honestly don't know. He went to Shiemi's grave and came back a little while ago, and my brother just seemed...so distant. But it was a different kind of distant than before. When Rin came back, his eyes looked empty and his voice was hollow. He was smiling this really subtle smile too...I don't know why he's had such a sudden personality change in the past twenty minutes or so. I don't know if he's accepted that fact that Shiemi's gone, or he has other things on his mind."

Shura leaned her cheek on her fist. "Do ya think Rin should see a counselor?"

"I'm not sure yet," Yukio sighed. "I've been thinking about it though. I really hope it comes to that, Shura. I mean, when Father Fujimoto died, Rin and I were only fifteen and he coped with it just fine. He's a father now, and his kids need him more than ever even if they don't understand the concept of death. He's shutting himself out of society. Rin didn't do that with Father Fujimoto, Shura. He was upset for maybe a week, and then he got his life back on track. I'm telling you, something isn't right with him, other than he's been upset for such a long time."

The red-head narrowed her eyes in thought. "I think ya should keep checkin' up on him. Rin's not going to get any better by sulkin' in his room all day, every day. He's going to get better with things to distract him, and the pain will eventually fade. If Rin doesn't get his life back on track, then he could slip deeper into depression, or possibly commit suicide."

Yukio clenched his fists and set his jaw. "Don't say something like tha—Oh, my God." The young man's aquamarine orbs widened behind his glasses as he looked up at Shura. His heart beat wildly in his chest. "Y-you don't think that he's...he's planning to do that?"

* * *

Night had fallen over True Cross Town. It was well past ten o'clock, and the stars shone coldly in the indigo sky.

Rin sat on his bed in his room, grasping a capsule of pills in his hand. His hand was surprisingly steady as Rin twisted the cap open. Rin dumped a few of the pulls into his open palm and stared at them. These things were so tiny, but too much of then would kill him. The navy-haired young man chuckled darkly at this thought.

He had gotten this idea when he had visited Shiemi. Rin had sat there, seemingly talking to himself, when this idea popped into his head; if Shiemi could walk amongst the living anymore, then why not Rin walk amongst the dead alongside her? It seemed brilliant to Rin. He couldn't live the rest of his life without his dearly beloved by his side. He wanted to join her in the Garden of Amahara.

The young man set the nearly empty capsule next to him and stared at the pills in his hand. There were five. This dose was more than enough to kill him, he was sure of it. He had specifically waited for the late hours of the night so that his kids wouldn't find him dead. Rin had even written a note that he would hold when his last breath left his body.

Rin tilted his head back and brought his hand up to his face. He was about to dump the pills into his mouth when his bedroom door swung open. A disheveled Yukio stood in the doorway, his aquamarine eyes glowing in the pale moonlit room. A look of pure fear had settled on his face when he registered the fact that Rin was about to swallow lethal pills.

Yukio somewhat regained his composure and looked to his older brother. "Rin, p-please, don't _do_ this. You have so much to live for."

The younger twin's voice had been barely more than a whisper. Rin clenched his hand that held the pills into a fist and glared at his brother.

"Oh yeah?" He started at a whispering tone, but his voice grew in volume as he continued. "Then what do I have to live for, Yukio?! Our real father treated us like shit, we never met our mother, our foster father has been gone for eleven years, and now Shiemi's gone too. You expect me to believe that there's one thing worth living for now that they're all gone?! I dare you to name one thing I shouldn't kill myself over."

"Your kids, Rin. They need you."

Rin's fists unfurled at his younger brother's words. He looked to Yukio. The younger twin stepped further into the room.

"Rin, Chisana and Kazuki need you in this part of their life," Yukio whispered. "They're three and six years old; they wouldn't be able to cope if both of their parents were just gone. Rin, you have to understand that if you had successfully committed suicide, you would be leaving your children, me, and all of your friends behind. Shiemi's death was an accident; it couldn't have been prevented. Your death can be prevented, only if you decide not to take those pills you're holding. Shiemi wouldn't want you to die just to be with her; she would want you to live your life even though she's passed on. Shiemi would want you to raise her kids. R-Rin, you gotta believe me."

The beginnings of tears shine in Yukio'a eyes. Rin stared at him; the last time he had seen his younger brother cry, was back when they were six. The navy-haired young man set his jaw and dropped the pills. He suddenly seemed to realize the burden that would be given to Yukio if Rin had gone through and killed himself. Yukio most likely would have taken care of Chisana and Kazuki. Yukio was right in saying that Shiemi would want him to keep living, even though she was already gone.

"I'm sorry, Yukio," Rin's voice hitched in his throat as he found his voice to reply. "I'm so sorry I couldn't figure this out for myself. My thoughts were clouded by Shiemi's death that I could barely realize what I was doing. I'll get better; I promise. I won't do this again."

To make sure that Yukio knew that Rin was serious, the older twin handed his brother the capsule with the pills that Rin had taken out. The younger twin took them away and shoved it in his jacket pocket.

"I'll call you tomorrow, okay?" Yukio said. "A counselor might be a good idea for you."

Rin nodded. Yukio gave his brother a sort of smile and turned to leave the house. When Rin was sure that he had gone, he turned to his window and swung it open. A cool night breeze swept his unruly bangs out of his eyes. Rin looked to the stars and sighed.

"So long and goodnight, my dear Shiemi. I'll be joining you, but not anytime soon."


End file.
